To quote 30 Rock's Liz Lemon: “The tattoo situation in the NBA is out of control.”

To quote Tina Fey's character Liz Lemon in NBC's hit show 30 Rock: “The tattoo situation in the NBA is out of control.”

Never has that crazy lady been more accurate. Turn on a game and, everywhere you look, there is more ink than a Bic® pen factory. Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, is no area of the body sacred any longer? And, seriously, Chris Andersen—could your colorful Free Bird neck tattoo be any more hideous? It looks like it’s strangling you. C’mon now!
Oh, wait. It’s just one of many dumb tattoos you’re sporting.

You, sir, are a prime example of the recent trend in obnoxious, vivid tattoos forever ruining my love of the game.

Now, I love ink within reason and believe tattoos should have personal meaning. According to the 70-year old lady at my club yesterday, I have some “sweet tats.” However, a person on the street wouldn’t see them and they’ve been strategically placed in said locations for this reason.

My personal temple aside, I don’t even mind full sleeves some of the guys are sporting up and down the court*. And on certain arms, God bless you for highlighting those biceps with a little message to your mom. However, when you start marking up your neck and face with tattoos the madness must stop.

Here’s my primary reason: You look like someone took a permanent marker and drew all over you while you were passed out after a ranging bender that wasn’t even cool enough to take place in Las Vegas.

It’s not working for you. It’s definitely not intimidating. And, p.s., that skin is going to wrinkle and sag someday soon.

What’s being "Free" going to look like then, Chris?

Still not agreeing with me? Let’s harken back to 20 years ago when the only people rocking tats were Dennis Rodman and that guy you didn’t want your sister to date (you know, the one in the motorcycle gang). In those days, having tattoos branded you as a freak because of the stigma associated with them. So why now, a few decades later is it okay for you to have double-digit markings if you play in the NBA? When did this become “the trend”?

More importantly, when does this trend expire**?

Rolling my jeans, the Rachel hairstyle and those snap bracelets (Google them) all had an expiration date. Eventually, tattoos across your entire forehead must reach their tipping point as well, right? By all definitions, NBA tattoo abuse has jumped the shark and hit mainstream.

I beg of you, ballers, please find something more exclusive and never cycle this trend back—even 30-plus years from now.

Think I’m off base here? Feel free to disagree with my statements above. In fact, tattoo an anti-KJ message across your forehead. See if I care.

Or, be the first to rise to my challenge and get the Ultimate Hoops logo tattoo on any part of your body. Double A [Alan Arlt], Founder and President of UH Nation, may just cover the cost. If you’re truly lucky, I’ll fly down and hold your hand while you cry like a little girl.

In the meantime, if you’ve got a question about health, fitness, grooming, girls, pop culture, nutrition, or basketball, post it in the comments below. I’ll answer your question with help from Life Time’s panel of experts.

* Side conversation to John Mayer: The sleeve really isn’t working for you.
** Thank you, 50 Cent, for the full-body clean-up work you’re undergoing.