MINNESOTA REC: The Helmy Awards Fall 2014
UH Legend Ahmed Helmy (left)
By Ahmed Helmy
Welcome back to the Helmy Awards. Grab your Shirley Temples and take your seats. This season has been stupendous, but my job here, amongst other things, is to highlight the “stupid” in “stupidpendous”. Without further ado…
The Seal the Artist’s “Get it Together” award: Seal the Ref. I had my choice of “Crazy”, “A Change is Gonna Come”, “Prayer for the Dying”, and “A Man’s Man’s Man’s World” to use, but nothing really summed it up like “Get it Together”. We’ve all had our blood pressure quadrupled and our life span shortened by Seal the Ref in BLS, but rumor has it Heidi Klum divorced Seal the Artist because the association with Seal the Ref. “Don’t Cry” Seal the Artist…”Don’t Cry.”
The Baby GAP Award: Kavaarian Williams. The scene: Rebels-Goodfellas, a potential top seed on the line, Ferber’s elbows are sharpened and ready to go, Jansen and DuPont have primed their hands with stickum, Klobe just put down a cold one, and Money just slipped on some red tights to play in. They are a mix between a 2nd grader’s football pants and Allen Iverson’s shooting sleeve. What a sight to behold. He looked like a lightning fast middle aged soccer mom the way he was flying all over the court in his capris. When asked for an explanation he simply said “these is hooper shorts in 2016”. If that’s the case, I’ll be retiring in 2015 along with 99% of the league. Who wants to take up croquet?
The Best Idea since Private Browsing Award: Rec Rewind. This brilliant piece of filmmaking and editing is just the surface of Reid Nelson’s media genius. He made the Blue Chips-Titans actually watchable. I’ve seen NBA games (Wolves-Sixers anybody?) I would skip over to tune into Rec Rewind. All he needs is Kenny Smith to waddle up to a large screen while Shaq mumbles something slightly racist and he’ll win an Emmy. Now take how good Reid is at UH media, and then it’s the exact opposite of that in how good he is in fantasy football. #shotsfired
The Donald Trump Meets Javale Mcgee Overconfidence Award: Jackson Kenneth. In the aforementioned Rec Rewind, Jackson was interviewed and proclaimed that he can guard anyone in Rec. Similarly, Brandon Knight claimed he can block DeAndre Jordan’s dunk and Screech from Saved by the Bell claimed he has a chance with Lisa Turtle. But while I appreciate the confidence, I think a good dose of Zhao, Hemmerich or Maher will bring him back to plant Earth.
The “I Used to Walk Seventeen Miles to School” So Respect Your Elders Award: Izzy Elkaffas and Mike Wiskus. In week 3 against the Killer Beez, after some questionable shot selection from Wiskus, Izzy berated him on the court like we all wish we could do to Seal the Ref. On one hand, is there a bad shot for Mike “The Silver Fox” Wiskus? On the other hand, it pretty much worked and Mike proceeded to splash 2 straight open threes. If I was Wisky, I woulda pulled out my dentures and beat that rascal and sent his ass back to elementary school on the short bus. But that’s just me.
The Only Closeout Worse than Slumberland’s Award: Kevin Chase. Week 1, Callahan and the Killer Beez. Callahan up all game, Beez take it to overtime. Andre Gray has the ball with two seconds left, heaves a near half-court shot at the buzzer, and gets fouled by Chase on a questionable call. Gray knocks them down, and the Beez win on free throws. Poor guy can’t physically stop himself from playing defense. Keep your head up, Chase, at least you were the inspiration behind my Heidi Klum joke. And that’s worth way more than a measly win.
The Pride of Mogadishu Award: Abdi & Abdi. These two battled it out in week 4 and guarded each other to the delight of many. Abdi got the better of Abdi, but Abdi’s midrange game was countered by Abdi’s midrange game. Abdi attacked the basket and couldn’t be stopped, but Abdi harassed Abdi into 7 TO’s. It was a battle all night. Abdi on Abdi crime for 44 straight minutes. The game however was second fiddle because the Abdis’ two nicknames need their own article. “Sticks”. And “Bones”. It doesn’t get better than that. How have they not legally changed their names yet? Abdi’s team won and lost, but in the end with nicknames like those, they’re both winners.
The Mayan Calendar Award: Whoever is in Charge of this Crap. The BLS schedule-maker clearly still has the Mayan calendar, but unfortunately for us it ended in 2012. Let’s pitch in and get a new one guys, because who could have ever predicted that there are holidays and bye weeks. The Guerrillas played the Goodfellas and the Rebels in one night back to back because of the damn Mayan calendar. I got $4 on a 2015 calendar so this doesn’t happen again. Or you can start fining Ferber per elbow he throws and you’ll be swimming in calendars in no time.
The Walked Under a Ladder While Carrying a Black Cat Award: The Red Devils. This proud franchise is a shell of its former self. Bad luck has decimated these guys with terrible injuries, and they are no longer amongst the Rec elite. They’ve made it hard to hate them, which is really the worst part. Let’s pour out a glass of Metamucil for these gramps and hope they come back stronger than ever.
The I Wish I Had a Mute Button Like Around the Horn Award: Junius and Calvin. These guys go at it harder than DMX goes on crack. Or does the crack go hard on DMX? Anyway, most of the time they’re yapping in street clothes since they’re not even playing each other. Which is actually more annoying and more fun to watch at the same time. I say we have these guys debate each other on other topics as a lead in to TWIR. Are cardigans ok to wear after basketball or just at the golf course? Do they think their intellect is higher than everyone else’s in Rec combined? Coke or Pepsi? Beyonce or Jennifer Lawrence? Has Seal the Ref made on good call since being employed? This can be PTI except I’d hate them both more than Wilbon. We can have a howl-o-meter like the Timberwolves for who yells louder. Reid would have to wear those ear muffs like the guys who direct airplanes do just for standing in between them. This is a hit, I promise.
The Don’t Make Me Kidnap Your Ass Award: The Players Club. That’s probably what they wanted to do to Brandon Hixson after he said he was forgoing UH Rec eligibility to play at Anoka Ramsey or North Hennepin or Maple Grove elementary or wherever the hell he went. They had a great core with him, DeBoer, Hanson, and Perry. Now he’s gone to go run killers in practice for 2 years and play 10 mins instead of playing every week with his friends and actually dominating stretches of games. The lesson as always…don’t stay in school, kids.
The “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh No He Di’int!!!” Award: Fob 5 vs UOENO. After being only a 3 point game at the half, Fob extended the lead and things were falling apart for UOENO. With a few minutes to go, there was a loose ball with bodies flung all over the place. Jeff Smith was amongst those on the ground. Play was over, and Smith sits on the ground with his hand up looking for someone, anyone, to help him up. Mr. Lovey Dovey himself, Alex McLean, WALKS RIGHT BY HIS OWN TEAMMATE WHO HAS HIS HAND EXTENDED TO HIM!! Let me repeat: Alex McLean WALKED RIGHT BY HIS OWN TEAMMATE WHO WAS LOOKING FOR A HAND AFTER HE JUST GOT DONE DIVING FOR A LOOSE BALL!! Maybe McLean didn’t want to injure his shooting hand? Now I know Jeff can be a royal pain, and there is no doubt in my mind he had some choice words for McLean before that, but this is likely the least sportsmanship I’ve ever seen, and there have been some pretty terrible ones. That would be horrible if that was the opponent, let alone your teammate who was hustling for a loose ball. Safe to say the early 2000s Jailblazers have been unseated for worst team chemistry. Reuben Patterson is wiping his tears with Kobe’s jockstrap as we speak.
Quick Hit Awards:
The “American Pie” Premature Celebration Award: MVP Watch article after week one.
The Dennis Rodman in a Wedding Dress Identity Crisis Award: The Crusaders. How do you lose to Splash Brothers and Titans but beat the Sock Thumpers? Pick one.
The Probably the Best Teammate in UH Award: Erik Bohn. All I ever see is 100% hustle, giving up open shots for better ones, and he does it with a smile and a bobby pin in his hair (no seriously, it’s super duper cute). UOENO was hoping it was contagious for McLean’s sake but McLean has a better chance of catching a pass from Joe Montana in his prime than catching Bohnarrhea.
The Malice in the BLS Award: Patrick Evans. No explanation needed. Let’s just move on before I say something I might regret.
The Charlotte Hornets Award: They changed their name, so I think it’s time you do too, Blue Chimps.
The McLovin Award: Tom Vescio. Well played by Tom, who clearly has one of the best fake ID dealers in the state. Nay, the country. Put it this way, if he’s over 18 then he has the fountain of youth in his backyard because I’m pretty sure I have receipts under my car seat that are older than he is.
The Milk in the Sun Has Longer Shelf Life Award: Briggsatology. I love me some Briggsatology, but if you don’t read it somewhere between 3:15 and 3:19 Pacific Time the day it come out there’s a good chance everything has gotten screwed up with one upset victory.
The Champ Bailey Award: Storm Gram. Good news and bad news. Going through life with the name Storm Gram means you have a leg up on everyone because that’s the dopest name in UH history. The bad news is, when you name is Storm Gram and look like a John Smith, you disappoint everyone you ever come across. Sorry, Johnny.
The Not So Subtle Award: Yours Truly. Hey, UH… Give us a damn draft tournament already, would ya?!
Thanks for reading, and I hope you all lose in the playoffs. Until next time…
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